For the past five years, I keep being "found" by people from my past. Friends from high school, someone I knew vaguely when I worked for Yellowstone Park over a summer in 1982, friends from my childhood and even the ex-partner of an ex of mine.
I feel somehow not nostalgic enough. When I open an email from someone who has not been real in my life for some time, I feel slightly assaulted. I don't want to restart old friendships. I am happy with the friendships I have now. I don't mind doing the occassional back-and-forth about old memories, but since I had my daughter, Luca, I am even less interested in that. As much as anything, these emails make me curious.
It also makes me curious when someone tells me they have been looking for me for years, have thought of me for years, have remembered me. I feel defective, like some gene didn't make it on to my DNA strand.
It isn't like I don't google people from my past. I do. The few people I google go into the "unrequited love" category or the close friendships that ended badly. I devour what I can find on the internet, feeling a kind of connection to something that is still painful. I don't write them. I don't have anything to say. I am just curious that they are still out there, this little piece of unfinished history for me.
But the fond memories, the people who did touch me for periods of my life now past? I don't remember them. And when I hear from them, I'm not sure what to do with it. Or I get scared when they tell me how strongly they feel for me, these 10, 20 and 30 years later. I can vaguely remember their faces or why they mattered so much so long ago.
My partner, Raquel keeps friends forever. It is very rare that new people enter her category of close friend. Very rare indeed. And there seems to be a probationary period so that, at the end of a certain period of time, a lof these new friends aren't in her day to day any longer.
Me, I have a history of recycling friends, recycling lives ever five years or so. Things change, interests change and a new crop of people seems to come along with this newness. But what I envy Raquel is that, when I run into one of these people from my past, I feel guilty. I feel that somehow, having lost touch, I have made a dreadful error and we should all still be in community together, tight knit and sharing a merged past and present.
It's not me. I'm too selfish or present-focused. Thank you for the emails. I will answer them but I probably won't do more than that.
3 comments:
A bit depressing, really. (said with the British accent that I don't have). To ensure I don't end up in the Haunting category, I am going to keep calling you every few days or so, so you remember that I am still your friend.
The ebb and flow of life can be sad. With that said, I say a fond hello knowing I am a shadow from your past. This shadow sends a belated birthday wish that you pause in your busy day, remember me for a minute and smile.
Love,
Elaine
Susan
i have thought a bit about this myself
i find it curious that my three siblings are all in touch with people that they went to high school with - i make attempts with one friend from high school but that is really it....
anyway...many more thoughts in my head...but that is all for now
and i too hope you had a swell birthday!!
peace & love
leigh
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