So, it's been three days in a row that I've done power yoga first thing in the morning. I have a new schedule. I set the alarm for six am, go downstairs and make coffee and Luca's breakfast, put the breakfast on the table, then start to streeeeeeeeeeeeetch and sweat. At one point, Luca comes down and gets her ready made breakfast, sits on the couch and watches me streeeeeeeeeeeetch and sweat.
Yesterday, I was talking with a friend. A friend who doesn't have kids. She was explaining how incredibly busy she is, how she doesn't have any time at all. I listened and then at one point, I had to do it, rather than just listen, I had to assert a comparison. I said, "You know, I know you are really busy, but when I had a kid - and I only have one, mind you - I realized that what I used to think of as busy wasn't really about having no time. It was about being very scheduled, but there was still such a great amount of space. It's amazing how different it is to have your own head to yourself in between times - even if it's only for ten minutes. There are some days when that can feel like a mountain of time. And I only have one kid." My friend insisted on her busy-ness, that I didn't understand, that you couldn't be more busy than she currently is, couldn't hear that there is context, that there is subtlety, and that being childless affords you a different kind of restfulness that you lose with small children. Sure, you gain lots of other things, but that wasn't the point.
The connection between these things is that my friend talked about how busy she was and that last week she only worked out three times. I was thinking about this while I was doing yoga this morning - something that is supposed to be meditative, focused on breathing - while Luca went between doing the poses with me (foot in the face, falling on my legs, asking for help) and sitting on the couch asking me questions about who knows what. Streeeetch. sweat. I remember when working out could feel like one of the things I had to do in a very busy day but how it was also time to connect alone with my body, with my strength, with my sweat.
Whenever I have a childless friend who is not open to hearing that there is a context, a comparison between a parenting life and a childless life, I wonder about what contexts I am closed to. I assume there must be some. It's the hardest thing about difference - it is almost impossible to imagine or understand those things which are really fundamentally different from yourself. It is hard to not try and sit with my own experience and then try to make comparisons when sometimes, there is just no comparison to be made.
3 comments:
We are WAY busier than anyone else in the whole world. Yeah, we have TWO kids and one of them has a wart on his foot and having a kid that has a wart on his foot takes up LOTS and LOTS of time. It's really like having 3 kids. That's why we don't work out. That's why I'm fat. It's that fucking wart!
Hello Susan,
I read your excellent post on antiracistparent.com, a website I have been frequenting, and thought I would write you with an idea I have, just to see what you thought.
I would like to start a blog-type website as a safe space for white parents to discuss their experiences with anti-racist parenting. I think white parents can use a space where they can explore their fears, blunders, ideas, etc. when it comes to eliminating racism. Several contributors would post their thoughts in the form of articles or personal essays, and the public would comment (antiracistparen.com-style). The comments, of course, would be moderated.
I know that you formed your own parent group in your town, in which you discuss white privilege. What an excellent idea! I thought this blog could serve as a forum to share thoughts on the same and everything related. In that light, I wanted to ask you if you would be interested in being one of the contributors to the blog – whenever you had time, you could post some of your thoughts on anti-racist parenting, on how your white privilege discussion group is going, or on anything else that you feel inspired to share.
If there are any other parents whose views you value, please pass the word along. Perhaps they, too, could become contributing writers for the white antiracist parent blog. I do already have a webpage: http://whiteantiracistparent.blogspot.com. I also have another blog: storyofjonah.blogspot.com.
I look forward to hearing from you,
Tereza Topferova
Vikki is so busy she didn't tell me about the wart on her kid's foot. I also want to laugh at your friend. She couldn't work out three times a week. BWWAAHAAAHAAA - she doesn't have problems. Luckily I am raising someone who will pay her social security benefits.
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